Thursday, 19 January 2012

Am I broody? Surely not!

OMG! I think I might feel a bit broody - although I don't think I have ever felt it before so I'm not sure!

Yesterday, my sister-in-law gave birth to twins. A gorgeous boy and girl (6lbs 14oz and 5lbs 14oz respectively) born by elective C-section. All is fine, the little girl was checked over in special care for a while as she was a bit wheezy, but she is out now and they are both doing well.

I visited them and got a very strange feeling, basically I feel rather emotional about it all and I am not sure exactly what these feelings are?

Firstly, they are gorgeous, and excellent weights for twins, really tiny, but both bigger than V was when she was born (5lbs 11.5oz) and I realised that I couldn't remember her being that tiny. Then I realised that I wouldn't be doing it again and as I cuddled the little boy and he opened his sleepy little eyes and looked at me, I felt a bit of a pang.

I know that all the reasons for us not having another are right and sensible. I am just shy of 45 and I was really lucky with V that with high blood pressure, I didn't develop pre-eclampsia or have a placenta that struggled, or for that matter get any other age-related pregnancy problems.

To try again would be pushing it, and at my age it might not even happen so I could just be setting myself up for a fall but I remember those first heady days with a newborn and the excitement of getting to know your new little baby and have to admit I felt a little envy.

But I think what really got to me though was a very special moment. I took my niece, the twins' older sister, over to the hospital in the afternoon to meet her new brother and sister and the excited and happy look on her face was priceless. "This is E, your big sister" said my brother, "she's going to look after you!"

I felt the tears coming as I realised that V wouldn't have that kind of wonderful moment and I felt bad that can't give her a sibling and just hope that she doesn't come to resent it.

So I think that maybe I'm not broody in the sense that I want to do the baby thing again - especially if I bring to mind how hard those first few months are - but I am just feeling guilty that I can't give V something when I always want to give her everything she needs.

On the plus side though, I can give her my full attention physically, mentally and emotionally and I know that another child would take some of my attention away from her - it would be inevitable - plus completely exhaust me so I wouldn't be an effective mother to either of them. I know that a lot of people have small age gaps but it's really not for me - or V!

Meanwhile, I can't wait for her to meet her cousins and I'm sure that there will be a similar "special moment" when they are first introduced. We bought V a toy baby doll for Christmas to get her used to the idea but as she is fond of "slam-dunking" it, I think we'd better keep an eye on her!

And at the same time, I am looking forward to lots of baby cuddles from the twins and helping out whenever and wherever I can. Hopefully I can be a bit more use now, than I was when they had their first as I know a lot more.

I am already planning what to say to V when she asks about a brother or sister and I think I will just tell her the truth.

She is already close to the cousins she has and I know she will love the latest additions as well so she won't be short of pals.

Of course, I could always try and persuade my brother to let me have one of his twins - but that is not an option - I've seen Blood Brothers - and that really doesn't work!

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